FOUND at the Internet Garage: WTF is in that bag?

Shortly after I started this blog a little over a year ago, I started the FOUND at the Internet Garage series to share all the amazing crap I find at the charmingly dysfunctional Internet cafe where I work on the weekends.

This one takes the cake.

Today I was sitting at the help desk, Internetting and stuff, while my coworker Mike dug around in the shelves behind me looking for a part for the laptop he was fixing.

“Yo, need any birth control pills?”

“Probably.” I said, turning around to find him holding two months worth of Yaz. “Oh, nevermind. That stuff makes people crazy. Why do you have that?”

“I don’t know, someone left this bag here the other day,” he said, holding up an Urban Outfitters tote bag.

I got up to examine the contents and found the most perplexing combination of items I have encountered at the Internet Garage to date. I immediately went to the scanner to document the contents, as I usually do when I find strange things in that place.

In addition to the Yaz, the contents of the bag included:

  • One package of “Hanky Panky” lingerie wash powder
  • One 4-ft long Conde Nast ribbon
  • One 20-oz bottle of Faygo tonic water, half empty
  • One jar of Anavarza cherry jelly (which I looked up just to confirm it is an actual food product)
  • One envelope, letter enclosed
  • One empty plastic bag

So many questions, where does one even begin? I removed the letter from the envelope, hoping to find some kind of explanation, when my friend Lizzie Buck walked in with a pack of cigarettes and a lemonade. She wanted me to go for a smoke break with her, but I told her to hold on because I was scanning something and explained the situation, giving her the letter to unveil. After skimming it for a few seconds, she burst out laughing.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! This is someone’s fucking STD test results,” she exclaimed, and proceeded to list off a variety of pathogens.

We all looked at each other for a moment, shaking our heads and asking ourselves, “What the fuck is in that bag?”

So many people come through the Internet Garage every day, leaving remnants of their lives behind. This situation begs the question: Who would leave a bag full of stuff that (presumably) important somewhere? More importantly, why would anyone ever have that combination of things in one bag? I mean, a Conde Nast ribbon? Why would Conde Nast produce a ribbon with its logotype on it? Where did she get that little jar of exotic jam? Why did she take these things with her to the gynecologist???

Sigh, Williamsburg…

3 thoughts on “FOUND at the Internet Garage: WTF is in that bag?

  1. NP

    A possible clue? The ribbon must have come from some Conde Nast event. Something recent. A little sleuthing turns up this:

    But in the bag…no wallet? No cell phone? No lipstick, keys, subway pass, or anything else one would bother to carry in a bag?

    Hypothesis: A goodie bag from the event, stocked with lingerie cleaner, jam, and birth control pills. And an anonymous trip to the doc to pick up STD results? Where is the subway pass.

    Conclusion: The gynecologist must be local. Ah, Williamsburg.

    I hope you sanitize those keyboards regularly.

  2. Arikia Post author

    We don’t. Once a scone sat in the middle of the floor for four days until I finally picked it up so I could throw it at Mike. I wash my hands obsessively there.


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